Why Americans Aren't Spending or Why We Miss SE Asia

We are frequently frustrated by the poor internet connections at our campsites. Inevitably, the following happens...

Andrew:  Dad! I can’t (static) hear you. (static)  typing! 

John: OK. I’m going to try typ... Nooooo!!!!! Skype just froze! I just lost the connection. Arghhhh!!!!  (Insert swear words here. Say them. Say them again.) The (Add more swear words here.) internet just went down. The (And more) phone never has any bars. We have got  to do something or I'm really going to lose it!  I don’t care how much it costs, but we’re going to buy a wifi system. I’m serious. Get dressed. Now. 

Shelley: But it’s ten o’clock at night. 

First attempt.....

We’re first in line, waiting to be served. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. The salesman ignores us and continues to type on his computer. Finally, he looks up.

Salesman: How can I help you? (Looks at his cell phone)

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling.

Salesman: One sec. (Smiles as he texts) Sorry. What was that?

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling. 

Salesman:(Quick glance at his phone) Uh- huh. Uh- huh. (Points at the rack) Over there. (Doesn’t move)

John: Maybe you could come over there with us to explain the options? 

Salesman: (Finishes typing) Uh. Right. Follow me. There they are. 

John: Can you explain how they work and the different plans?

Salesman: (Chuckling, while peeking at his phone) I’m not really sure. (Texts some more) Why don’t you take a look at one of these pamphlets? (Passes John a pamphlet, checks his phone, smiles, resumes texting) If you do decide to purchase a plan, my name's Rob and I work on commission. 

Repeat opening section. Second attempt in another store.

Store Manager: And that’s basically how the two plans work.

John: I’m sorry. Do you mind writing that down?

Store Manager: (Pained, bored expression) Take care of that Mike.

Shelley: I bet you have a lot of customers who come in here every day asking about these.


Store Manager: Yes. 

Shelley: So.... then, you must know quite a lot about them. Which is good, because I have a few more questions. Can we suspend the contract for 6 continuous months while we are in Canada?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So... OK. OK. Will we have coverage in Canada too, at least near the border?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So.....Wait. Hang on a sec. I just need to make sure that I’ve got this right. Even though we have explained to you that our coverage is so unreliable that we frequently lose connections, you still advise us to contact the head office?

Store Manager: That’s correct.

Shelley: So... how do you propose that we contact the head office?

John: Exactly. How do...

Shelley: John, I’ve got this. (Turns to the manager) Can you answer me? Please? (Looks around the empty store) Is it  because you're too busy? 

Store Manager: I told you. It’s not our job. It’s up to the customer.

Shelley: You must be @#$*ing kidding me! 

Store Manager: Lady, I don’t think there is any reason for you raise your voice and use that kind of language.

Shelley: Oh really?....I didn’t think I was. BUT NOW I AM! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? NOBODY HAS COME INTO THIS STORE FOR THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES. I AM ASSUMING THAT YOU ARE ALL WORKING ON COMMISSION, AND EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT, WHY AREN’T ALL THREE OF YOU HUSTLING YOUR ASSES OFF TO SELL ME A @#$*^%&  DEVICE? DO YOU KNOW THAT I OWN SHARES IN THIS @#$ @#$$ COMPANY? IN THEORY, I AM YOUR BOSS. SO, AS YOUR BOSS, GET ON THAT *@#$%^& PHONE AND GET ME SOME ANSWERS. NOW!

Don’t be silly. Didn’t you read the previous blog about Tombstone? They pack guns in this country. We walked out when the manager refused to call the head office. But I wish. How I wish! 


Shelley and John

Tombstone, Arizona, The Town Too Tough to Die

Last January, we visited the small town of Tombstone, Arizona.  Apparently in 1877, Ed Schieffen, a silver prospector, was told, "The only stone you will find out there (n the desert), is your own Tombstone." Schieffen found silver.

The “Town Too Tough to Die” has survived three fires, numerous Apache raids, droughts and its silver mines closing. Now a small town tourist attraction, its main draw is  "The Shoot out at the OK Corral.” 

As we wandered through the streets, we bumped into a few local characters.

Cowboy: Howdy strangers. Did you know that there are eight different versions of what happened at the OK Corral?" 

John (My husband): I thought no one witnessed the eight men shooting it out.

Cowboy: Eight men. Eight different versions. Get it?  Lucky for you, you can see the “official” version for only 10 bucks. Each.

John: We might just do that. 

Cowboy: Hollywood got it all wrong. The Earps were a bunch of no good gamblers, pimps, thieves and killers. That 10 bucks will also get you a 30 minute presentation of Tombstone’s history, and a copy of the newspaper’s report from that day. 

Shelley (Me): That sounds like a great deal. But, I think that we might walk around a little first. (Turning to go) 

Cowboy: How about a stage coach tour? 22 bucks?

John: Maybe. I think we'll check out the town first.

Cowboy: By the way, that tour includes the old town, the graveyard and Hoptown. On Chinese New Years, they would serve fourty different courses including: rat pot pie, roasted puppy dog with caterpillar sauce, and kittens fried in batter. 

Shelley: Wow. But you know, we’re just going to have a walk around. 

Cowboy: The courthouse? 6 bucks? 

The Smiths: Thanks. 

Cowboy: Haunted tour? 25?


John: (Turns the corner) Do you think that was a real gun in his holster?


Shelley: John, you always have to find something to stress about. They're just actors walking around.

Female Shop Owner: (Dressed in scuffed cowboy boots, ripped jeans, sleeveless white Tee, Harley Davidson Vest and Cowboy hat. Puffs on her cigarette, which happens to be dangling from a corner of her mouth. Sorry No photo taken - too scared) Hey there. 

The Smiths: Hi. Interesting town.

Female Shop Owner: (Puff) Well, we're all a bunch of outlaws of various levels here. Where you folks from? (Puff) 

The Smiths: Canada, Vancouver Island.

Female Shop Owner: (Puff) I’ve been there.

The Smiths: You have? That’s great. 

Female Shop Owner: I like most Canadians,(Puff) especially those from BC. (Puff) 

The Smiths: Whew. That's good! Ha! Ha!

Female Shop Owner: Not all of you, though. (Puff) 

The Smiths: (What?) Oh no? Why is that? 

Female Shop Owner: Well, (Puff) not too long ago, I had to reach under my till, take out my loaded gun, point it at a group of  French Canadians and tell them to get the Hell out of my shop.(Puff) 

The Smiths: (Oh my God. Is she serious?) Ha! Ha! Are you serious?

Female Shop Owner: Dead. (Puff) Serious. (Puff) 

The Smiths: (She is serious!) Were they trying to attack or rob you?

Female Shop Owner: Worse.(Puff) Much worse. (Puff) They were rude. Made fun of my merchandise.

The Smiths: (Oh my God! Oh... my..... good.... God!)

Female Shop Owner: (Puff) Would you like to come in and have a look around? (Puff) 

The Smiths: (NOOOO!!!!!!!) Unfortunately, we’re going to have to take a pass. We're on our way to the “The Shoot Out at the OK Corral". And, if we don't get going, we're going to be late.

Female Shop Owner: (Puff) Lucky for you two I'm open all day. I'll be waiting. (Puff...Puff...Puff) 

Shelley and John
(Cowboylands.net image of the Earps)

The Number Two Tourist Attraction in Arizona is...

Tomorrow, we're headed to Tombstone, Arizona. I wonder where it fits on the list of Arizona's top tourist attractions? #1 is the Grand Canyon. But, the #2 spot is hotly contested between Lake Havasu's authentic, antique London Bridge and Yuma's Territorial Prison. We visited both and can't agree on which one should have the honour of being #2. John voted for Lake Havasu. Obviously, he's British. It could have been a phone booth. (Which they must have thrown in the deal, because there is one there.) I bet the following conversation took place before the purchase was made.

Robert Plumer Real Estate Agent: Now hear me out. I know that 7 million dollars, in 1968, seems like a lot of money. But, you've got to believe me when I say that the tourists returning from the Grand Canyon have had enough of canyons and nature to last them a life time. They'll be ready for something different. Something they can tell their kids about, their grandchildren. Something cultural. Something English. An authentic, antique London Bridge. Besides, you promised the Government that if they gave you this land for free, you would develop it.  

Mr. McCullock, owner of  desolate Lake Havasu: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ridiculous. I can guarantee you that no one will  come to dry, barren, Lake Havasu just to see an authentic, antique London Bridge. That’s crazy talk.

What else have you got?

The deal was signed in 1968 and the bridge's construction was finished in 1971. 

Lake Havasu claims to have thousands of tourists visit each year.  

However, "I" think Yuma's Territorial Prison should be #2 because firstly, after you take your picture of the bridge, you are essentially done.

But at the prison you can take all kinds of  different pictures. 

But more importantly, I believe the prison deserves the honour of being the #2 tourist attraction in Arizona because of the following story, based on an article I found in  Yuma's old newspaper, "The Hell Hole."

Chico Viscaya, an inmate, killed a guard with a spike. His buddy grabbed the dead guard’s gun, shot a second guard, shot the tower guard, then forced the sentry to open the gate. A mob formed. Another guard attempted to reach the tower platform, but Chico’s buddy got him too. I bet the mob was thinking, “Si! Freedom! Si! Freedom!” I bet they were still thinking “Si! Freedom! Si! Freedom!” 

when they saw Madora Ingalls, wife of the Superintendent, run up the tower steps because, they loved and respected her. Madora Ingalls had introduced a band, health clinic, library and school for the inmates.

I bet they stopped thinking, "Si! Freedom! Si! Freedom!" when the twenty something, mother of three, grabbed that Gatling gun with both hands and fired that sucker at them. In fact, I know they were thinking, "Mierda!!! Estamos atornillados!!! What a perra!!!!!

Even though Chico's buddy fired back at the urging of another inmate, "Disparela dios maldita sea! No Parese solo alli como tontos!" or 

"Shoot her. God Damn it. Don't just stand there like fools." It was no use. Madora "Cajones of Steel" Ingalls single handedly quelled that prison escape in less than ten minutes. 

Now seriously, how can an authentic, antique London Bridge beat that?

Let us know which one you choose, and we’ll get back to you about where Tombstone fits on the list.

Senora Shelley y  Senor John

(Madora Ingills Photo,  Yumasun.com)

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #1 Always Keep Things Even

 

My husband, John and I had four great 

days in the San Diego area with my parents.

Our next stop was Yuma, Arizona, in a campsite far, far away from highway I10 and the railway.

After supper, while having a relaxing glass of wine, John asked me, “At the last RV site, did you do what I did when you showered?”

“What did you do?”

“Put the water on, get wet, turn the water off, wash, then turn it back on for a quick rinse.”

“Why did you do that?” 

“Because, I was worried that the grey water tank would get so full, the water would come back up the drains. (Grey water is bath and sink water. Black water is what comes out of the toilet.) So, did you do the same?”

“No. That’s stupid.”

“Why is that stupid? Our own site didn’t have a sewage drain.”

“I know that. I just figured that we would empty the grey and black water at the communal dump station before we left. Didn’t think it was something to worry about.”

"But, I was worried about what would happen after four nights of not dumping.  Great! I froze my a$% off washing without running water. And, even when I had soap in my eyes, I resisted turning the water on.  But you took long, hot showers.”

“But ,you didn’t tell me not to shower normally. So, if you think about it, that’s kind of stupid.”

“I’ll tell you what’s stupid. My eyes still sting and you had hot showers.”

“Holy Christ. You are blowing this thing way out of proportion. You didn’t tell me to shower using the “John Smith” method. Jesus, I’m not a mind reader. Tell you what, next time I shower, I’ll shower without any water. There. Satisfied?”

“Tell “you” what. How about next time we pack up, I clean the bathroom and you throw on the black “Dexter” gloves, take off the hose from the caterpillar stand, screw it into the outlet on the septic tank, pull open the lever, flush the black and grey water, then unhook and clean out the sewage hose? There. Satisfied?”

“Ha! Ha! You’re kidding, right?”

“No.” 

“Seriously. Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

(Holy S$%^!!! He’s serious. But I don’t care. There is no way that I’m going to do the sewer. Even in normal situations, I can barely go near the “sewage dumping” process without throwing up. But this morning was even worse. The worst I have ever seen. Ever!!! Ten seconds after John released the black water, it backed up on him. Raw sewage, S#$@, urine and soggy used toilet paper gushed out. In the end, he had to hold the hose, with all that crap pouring out, over an open sewage holding tank!!! GAK! GAK! GAK!  Dad had to do the same thing too.There is no chance in Hell that I am going to do that. Ever!)

“John. I’m really, really sorry about not turning the water off in the shower. Really. But I’m telling you now, that there are some things in life you are 100% sure of and this is one of them. I am not emptying the sewer. There is no way. I love you and you do such a good job. We shouldn't mess with that. Let's just drop this. Okay?”

“What about men and women having equal rights?”

“That’s Ashly. (Daughter-in-law)”

“Shelley, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a great idea.”

“No. It’s not a great idea. It’s stupid. One of your worst ideas ever. There must be something else I can do to even things up.”

“Wellllllll.....”

“Okay. Okay. I’ve got it. Every morning, for the next two weeks, I'll get up first, turn on the heat, the hot water, and bring you the computer and your coffee...  while you stay in bed.”

“And....”

“Take it or leave it, John.”

“I'll take it.”

Shelley and John

When a Deal Seems too Good to be True - Golf on a Budget

My parents are avid, talented golfers who always try to include us. We do join them, but only if they find an inexpensive executive course, so we aren’t breaking the bank and we are not out there for eternity. The other day they found a municipal executive course that cost seven bucks each. Now that was a deal!

The first hole went as expected. Both parents made par. John’s tee shot landed on the green two feet from the flag, and mine was a “worm killer.”

However, on the second hole, John’s ball hooked left over a fence and "pinged" off the roof of a shed. When this happens it's not usually too big of a deal. Everyone gives you a hard time and you play on. That day was no exception until we looked where the ball landed. 


Really looked. 


This backyard (in fact all of the backyards) was separated from the course by a 20 foot high chain link fence. Assorted broken toys, bikes, cast off lawn furniture, car parts, whole cars, and exercise equipment (like the kind you see in prison movies) littered the space. Did I mention the pit bulls?

This particular yard had two. 

TWO!!!


We froze in horror as a heavily tattooed man came out of his house. He stood at the chain linked fence, flexed his muscles and stared. At us. He didn't speak. He didn’t have to. 

Before I go any further, I want to point out that I did not take any pictures. I didn't even think of it. But I have uploaded reasonable facsimiles to give everyone an idea of the setting.

Here is a picture of a scary LA house.

And, here is a picture of a scary killer pit bull.

And, here is a picture of a scary gang member from East LA.

Anyway, John whispered to me,”Do you think I hit "his" shed?”

I answered, “No. Don’t be silly. You hit the ball way way past his yard. He’s just going outside for a workout or to play with his dogs. Just the same, why don't you take a mulligan from here? (Free hit)"

Here is what I honestly thought, “Holy Mother of God. That ball did land on his shed. That guy looks mean, gang member mean. And mad. What if this is the hundredth time today that a ball has landed on his shed and he is fed up? What if he sicks those junkyard killer dogs on us? What if he is a gang member and he shoots us? AND WHY ARE WE GOLFING IN EAST LA ANYWAY????”

But sometimes when you are on a fixed budget, you have to suck it up. The man continued to stand at the chain linked fence, flexing his muscles and staring. So, John hit another ball and we played through. Quickly. (That means using PGA rules, not Smith rules.) We were back in the car long before the sun went down!

Shelley and John

How to Take your Picture With the Stars Part 2

"The Smiths and Orrs, not the Kardashians take on LA" almost went according to plan.

Grauman’s Chinese Theatre - Check.

Hollywood and Beverly Hills bus tour - Check.

Sunset at Santa Monica Beach - Check.

Clipper’s Game - Check.

Pictures with stars - One check, but only if you count Tom Cruise’s star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Apparently my stars were attending the “Palm Springs Film Festival.” Pretty disappointed with that. Now all I can do is imagine what the experience would have been like. I’m pretty confident I would have been totally dignified and in control.

Shelley: Hey! HEY! Pretty woman walking down the street! Ha! Ha! I mean Julia Roberts. I am such a huge fan of yours. Huge! You are wonderful. Wonderful. Just listen to me. I'm babbling. Can my husband take a picture of the two of us? Go ahead and hug me. 

Julia Roberts: Thank you. 

John: Smile.  

                       

Shelley: Just one more thing. Is that really your Oscar in the second window from the left in your Beverly Hills home? 

John: Shelley!

Julia: You looked into the windows of my home? 

Shelley: Damn. Shouldn’t have said that. Big mis....OMG. There’s George Clooney. GEORGE!!! Over here. How about a picture? You “are” the sexiest man alive! You “are” on my list of five. Aieeeee!!!! I can’t believe I am talking to GEORGE CLOONEY!!! I am having hot flashes!! George, feel my forehead. You can feel the sweat pouring off. Go on. Do it.

George: Ah. No thanks. Is this gentleman your husband?

Shelley: We’re separated. 

John: Shelley!

Shelley: Kidding. Here we go. Can you put your arm around me?

John: Smile.    

                                                           

Shelley: Thanks George!....... John! Can you believe who that was?.... Nothing can top..... Holy Cow! There he is. Bradley Cooper. THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!! I voted for you! More than once. Shhhhh don’t tell anyone! Can I get a picture with you?

Bradley: Didn’t you just say that George Clooney was the sexiest man alive? 

Shelley: Did I? What was I thinking? You are the sexiest man alive. BTW loved, loved “Hangover 2.“ Weren’t those ping pong balls something, eh?

John: Shelley!

Bradley:You do realize that I was acting? 

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Right. Right. Of course. Of course. I am totally against doing that with ping pong balls. Totally! John!

John: Smile.    

                                                                                                 

Shelley: Thanks so much............ Whoah! Brad. BRAD PITT!!! You are a God. “Moneyball” was amazing. You know, I actually used to coach a little myself. 

Brad: No kidding. 

Shelley: Well, not in the big leagues, like you. Ha! Ha! Can my husband take a picture of us?

Brad: Sure, Just hang on,  Angelina is on her way.

Shelley: Ahhhhhhh. No. Just you. If you don’t mind. She kind of scares me. Ha! Ha! Hey, where are you going? What did I say? Some advice, big shot! You don’t marry the skanky ones!

John: Shelley!

Shelley: But I'm so disappointed.......Ohhhhhhh! Matt Damon. Matt!!!! OVER HERE!!! How about a picture? My son, Andrew, loves you. “I” loved you in “ The Perfect Storm.”

Matt: That wasn’t me.

Shelley: Oh Ha! Ha!... I knew that. I was just teasing. "Contraband?"

Matt: No! That's also Mark Wahlberg.

John: Smile.

Shelley: Thanks. God. Should have went with Ocean's 12. Weren't they both in that? They look so much alike........I don’t believe it. Yesssss!!!! Hello Kitty! Courtenay! Courtenay Cox!! Grrrrrrr!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! “Cougar Town” is the best. I’ve actually been called a cougar. How about a picture with us growling and showing our claws like real cougars?

Courtenay: No.

Shelley: Serious works for me too.
John: Smile.
Courtenay: Oh. I am so sorry. There's Jen. Give me your address and I'll send you a signed photo of me.
Shelley: Whaaaaat??? Jen's not a cougar. This will only take a second!........John! She just ditched me. What a .......... Forget her.....I should have looked for Kim Cattral. She's a real cougar and from Comox Valley. Ahhh. No one is left from my list. I guess we didn't do too bad though. Well now. There’s someone not on my list. But, what the heck? Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay! How about a picture? Saw the tree you hit,  when you were DUI, while on my tour of Beverly Hills. 

Lindsay: @#$@ you!

Shelley: Too much?

John: And, we’re done.

Shelley and John

I copy and pasted the following from:  http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/

• JUST A THOUGHT
  I read that if bloggers want their readers to help them, they should tell the reader what to do.  Here goes:
  • Click the followers button on the right sidebar.
  • Click the Google+ button on the right sidebar.
  • Leave a comment if you want to add to the conversation.

  And now mine...

  • If on Facebook, click like or unlike. Either way, your facebook friends have a chance to read it.
  • Share on Facebook because... 

  My goal is to be on Ellen Degeneres and if that fails Chelsey Lately.